August 06, 2011
Walk into the Darkness
Updated version of the last post-Chapter One
Night after night, She watched her cat run out the open door into the darkness of the night. She wondered what it would be like to do the same. One hot summer night, She did what her cat did......She walked out the door. She had her favorite pink baseball cap upon her head and thought that was all she needed. Her name is Abigail Louise. As she walked she noticed the silence all around. Her eyes gazed upon the glowing moon and noticed the sparkling stars glistening in the night sky. She was overcome by the beauty of the night. She walked for miles all alone at a slow leisurely pace to take in the beauty of the night. As she turned the corner, a shadow was coming near. The shadow seemed to be whispering,"Abigail Louise, Abigail Louise!" Her heart started to pound and her breathing became rapid. Abigail Louise knew she had to think quick. She thought should I be bold and walk towards the shadow like a proud lioness sitting with her newborn cubs or meek like the small bird who just fell out of the tree. She didn't have time to think..........The shadow was standing right before her.
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My eyes opened wide and bright As the sun appeared through the window pane Jumping out of bed to step outside To see what was in store There... -
The door flew open. Kitty Cat dashed right out. She ran as fast as she could. Where did she go? To meet her friends, Mookie and Panther,of c... -
Dreaming of you in the daylight Even in the darkness of the night For when I close my eyes My thoughts are of you In the night I saw you In ...
13 comments:
It's still a cliff-hanger for us, Anne. Shadows can be scary, when walking down our drive at night, all sorts of little sounds and movements and be heard.
You definitely improved on this piece.
I'd begin with, "Night after night, Abigail Louise..." You can just let us know her name from the get-go. Stating it later breaks the flow.
Good buildup of tension. Great ending!
I'm happy to visit your blog. And of course I'll be back to read more...
Hi Wanda,
This story started of with a short little paragragh and has developed into a chapter book. I am having fun with it.
Smiles.
Theresa,
Thank you so much for the compliment of the improvements. I do appreciate it. Also, thanks for your imput as to how I can make the story better. I will change that. It is still a work in progress.
Sharon,
Thank you. You are always welcome.
Great changes -- you've made this much stronger!
Hi Talli,
From an author who has had books published, I value your import. Thank you so much.
I came over from Theresa Milstein's blog to meet you.
Very well done. Filled with a very credible suspense.
I'm with Theresa. Put her name at the beginning. Saying "her name is Abigail Louise" also shifts from past to present tense. Also, we don't have to repeat the character/s name if it's clear who's talking. That's what pronouns are for, my creative writing teacher of years ago said. So after "her breathing became rapid," replace Abigail Louise with "she."
But these are picky details, easily fixed in an otherwise wonderful scene. This is SO GOOD. I'm waiting at the edge of the cliff to see what happens next!
Ann Best, Author of In the Mirror, A Memoir of Shattered Secrets
Hi Ann,
Welcome. I do appreciate your input on the beginning of the book. I did make that correction and now I will use your advice through. Thank you.
I love the suspense, Choices! Especially how you've developed this section well and didn't hurry... Hmmm, what would a cat do? Stay tuned!
Margaret,
Thank you. I am still working on it. So glad to see you here.
I love this one! It's much better, my friend.
But I wonder if Abigail would use the term think quick? I don't see teens saying that. And anyway, you could delete that entire sentence and leave it up to the reader to KNOW that Abigail was going to have to think quickly. The reader would assume it from the rest of the paragraph. And I don't believe that someone who is frightened would be comparing the bird and the lioness to her situation. She would be trying to figure out what to do.
Love the tension and the end. :-)
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